Loving My Mother, Fearing Her Drinking
My mother was what I now know as a “functioning” alcoholic. She would work and take us to school, and then she would drink about two or three bottles a night. I knew from a very young age that if I was in trouble, I needed to tell my brothers. My dad worked away all the time to avoid my mother, and we were often hungry, unwashed, and scared. She would routinely wet herself on the sofa or walk into the street and urinate in our garden.
Most nights she would become aggressive and violent, and I have vivid memories of hiding underneath my bed, wrapped in a blanket, listening to her abuse my brother. I still feel guilty for not intervening and protecting him enough. If I was sick at night, I would have to lay in it or wash and change my own sheets and then go to school as normal the next day. No teachers ever knew.
My mother’s mental health continued to deteriorate, and she tried to commit suicide about five times. It eventually came to a time when my brothers left the house as soon as they could, leaving me alone with her. I became an “out of control” teenager and would drink to mirror my mother’s actions. The violence ramped up, with her pulling my hair, smashing my face into mirrors, and punching, hitting, and kicking me. Sometimes in front of my friends. I felt abandoned and lonely, and I didn’t know who I was or how to escape.
Sadly, there is still no happy ending. My mother is still a functioning alcoholic and still pushes my boundaries. When she is sober, she can be the most caring, kind, and loving woman in the world, but she is always in denial. This has made an impact on pretty much every element of my life, including my own relationship with alcohol. I either avoid it completely or drink too much and end up hating myself for weeks after. I have had substance misuse issues and have spent my life dealing with a “mother wound.”
I don’t want to cut contact with my mother because I love her when she’s sober, and I can maintain boundaries with her, which means we only speak when she is sober. But it doesn’t fix the internal damage.
